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| | Third Collection
1
A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but
the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm
sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says,
"He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss
calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem
getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you.
What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy
says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every
weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make
sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing
leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss
says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I
was sick."
2
A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands
spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up again but realizes
that she landed so hard that her vagina has stuck to the floor creating such a
vacuum that she can't move. She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with
all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge. So he goes next door and
gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move.
She is truly stuck to the floor. Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we
just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that
way?" "Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her
boobs a little to arouse her." "Why?" asks a confused neighbor.
"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The
tiles are cheaper in there."
3
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes
in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the
Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey
and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at
Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey
looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead
and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The
Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others
all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the
rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey
continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To
which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying,
"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks
Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies,
"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in
Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't
think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all
kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed
a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
4
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes
for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes
running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot
bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber
they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running
back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they
are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back
and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw
and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
5
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking
dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply
or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd
heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your
mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked
him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about
my cooking again!!"
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