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First Collection
1
There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?" "Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then
St. Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve," the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......
2
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
3
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
4
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
5
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?" "Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement. She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting..." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."
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